New Beginnings

I have been stunted in my artistic growth for several months now. It is actually difficult for me to admit this here, as putting those words in print forces me to admit it to myself as well. I have been blaming my artistic monsters, the program administrators, my greatest supporters, and even my highly admired instructors. Anyone and everyone but me. That is not to say that there haven't been issues in some of the other areas of my life, there certainly have, but a lot of the anger and frustration (with one notable exception) has been in regards to my lack of progress. Hence the previous post. I have been terrified of not being able to finish to the detriment of not even being able to take any steps forward.

I met with my friend Kara the other day when she stopped by on her fantastic journey for lunch, conversation, and a moment of rest and she and I discussed the concept of the black hole that I am so terrified of stepping into. I remarked that it is an emptiness that I do not understand or know how to approach, and she replied "Hmm, isn't it more of a blank canvas?" Alas, that would be where her optimism meets my pessimism, but she is absolutely right. The difference between viewing the future as a crushing darkness is wholly different, and much more stifling, that viewing it as a canvas of opportunity for the artist who seeks to express their ideas.

So, this year I am trying to instead focus on the blank canvas and begin to find ways of filling it up. It doesn't matter if the first few blotches are messy, inaccurate, or off course so long as they are on the canvas. The black hole had a way of sucking out the good in everything. New ideas were thrashed, the cruel words of some were given more weight that the supportive words of others, and the very act of taking a photograph was labeled useless, stupid, and wasteful. Without a specific goal in mind, without a task that I am trying to accomplish, I have found it difficult to take pictures. The glory of playing around was lost to me.

When I went home for Christmas I played around quite a bit because I was given a Canon G10. It has the air of playfulness compared to my more bulky and professional equipment. It allowed me to explore, to create, to play without retribution or condemnation (usually from myself) and it allowed me to at least start shooting again. Snapshots, true, but shots none-the-less. It was perhaps not the greatest break through, but coming out of the dark, any spark of light is welcome.

The artistic vein recently came back due to two other gifts. The first was a copy of Damien Jurado's album Caught in the Trees on vinyl. I have been listening to it incessantly. It is full of pain and hope and recognition. It is a particularly fitting album for me right now, on both literal and metaphoric levels, title included, and I am thankful for it. (Both to my husband for purchasing the vinyl and allowing me to use his record player and to the friend who introduced me to Damien in the first place on the last day of class.) The second was a first edition printing of The Boyhood Photos of J.-H. Lartigue. The images are stunning artifacts of frivolity and a carefree attitude in a time long since past. They are also some of the most artistic and beautiful images I have ever been exposed to. But part of the beauty of them is that Jacques was merely having fun with his camera. His eye for composition and penchant for exploration make the images timeless and unique, but the act of taking images for him was not a chore. I needed to be reminded of that in a delicate and visual manner. Lartigue was the perfect conduit.

What resulted of the combination of a change in perspective, a moving and lyrical album, and a reminder of joy was apparently the opening of a chasm of creativity and inspiration. I have had my hands thick in different media for the past week. I am seeking out the best combination of materials and methods to create something new. New for me certainly, but possibly new for the world. A different way to look at photographs, a different way to look at my subjects, a different way to look at myself. I have no idea where this is going, if anywhere, but it has been so long since I have even started that I am holding onto the present moment and continuing to put one foot in front of the next despite the obstacles and drawbacks that I encounter because I am regaining my faith in the process. I am not certain if this is a good or bad time to regain the faith, as I am heading back into structured coursework in two days, but I can't really worry about that now. All I can do is focus on what is in front of me, which, at the moment, is something new and exciting. If it works, fantastic. If it doesn't, then something else will. The only thing to do now is continue to create, continue to push, continue, continue, continue. This year is going to be vastly different than any other year before. This is where the New Beginning really starts.

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